8/26/04
Since I can�t access Diaryland from work I�ll do my updates in word and then post them when I get home at the end of the day.
I drove down to Ft. Bragg last night to see the boyfriend. I swore I wouldn�t go during the week but I decided what the hell. All he kept saying yesterday was, �I miss you� and �I love you� so I figured it might help to see each other. Boy was I both right and wrong. Leaving this morning was one of the hardest things I�ve had to do in a really long time. He wants me to move in with him which is impossible right now, since we are both getting deployed in the next few months. I told him that when we get back I�ll move to Bragg to be with him. I cried the majority of the way home this morning. It�s getting harder and harder to leave each time.
I just got off the phone with him and he�s upset with me. He had told me that he changed his screen saver on his phone to my picture. Well when I saw it last night I made the comment of �oh wow, you really did change it�. I didn�t mean anything by it; it just caught me by surprise. So he was a little upset with me for not believing him. Now I feel bad.
I called my mom when I went to lunch. I just needed to talk because of everything that�s going on with the boyfriend. I�ve been having anxiety attacks all day because it hurts when I�m not with him and that scares me. The last time I felt like this was with Vic. I kept thinking that even though he swears that he�ll be here when we get back something will happen and he won�t be. I know I need to stop thinking like that but I can�t help it. No matter how hard I try and think about work or other things, it doesn�t help. It feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest.
I paid off the Yamaha. Man, does that feel good. Of course today I find out that one of the engineers is selling a SWEET 1995 5.0 Mustang for like 5k. He said he�d take less than that and when I told him I�d just paid off the bike he said �you could be driving that car�. DAMN IT MAN, this sucks. Oh well, it�s better to pay off a debt than incur more. I would LOVE to have that car thought. That way, we could have a car to race at the drag strip and not have to worry about messing up his car. Oh well, it�ll be gone before I get back.
I did sit down the other night and work up a budget to see about getting bills paid off. I�ll have pretty much everything paid off by the time I get back from Benning and a little left in the bank. Then whatever is left that still needs to be paid will be put on a payment plan. I also don�t want to go back to renting a house. I will for a little while but I eventually want to buy something.
8/27/04
WOW�.little did I know sending an email to people I consider friends would start a shit storm. When I got the call about getting deployed I sent an email to a bunch of people in my address book letting them know what was going on. One of those people was a guy that I meet when I went to Fort McCoy for Instructor Training school back in 2002. I didn�t really expect to hear from him but I did. He spent last year in Iraq and is currently in Afghanistan. I emailed him back to be nice since I do consider him a friend, not thinking anything of it. While we were at McCoy we �hooked up�. I never saw him again after that. Talked on the phone some and via email but that was it.
This morning I check my email and I had one from his wife. Here�s what she had to say�
Hi djlit
You would not happen to be from Wisconsin would you? If so, I would like to let you know that I am *omit name* previously now �Craig�s Wife�. I was Craig�s girlfriend when he met you and now I�m his wife. He told me not a few weeks before our wedding that he had cheated on me with you when he was training there. By the way we lived together at that time. He said you were a college student there, however now I see you are in the military too. Were you teaching one of his classes? Just to let you know how his son is doing.... well I am fighting for guardianship currently and going through hell with his mother. We go back to court on the 8th of September. Craig promised me that he had not spoken to you or received any emails in years!!!!!!!!!!!! Well it is obvious that he lied and now I have to come to terms with what is best for his son and me. Can you imagine the controversy? His son even calls me mom. I just thought you should know what a liar he is, I do love him and that is my issue, but please do not feel sorry for him. He is not innocent. Thanks for your time.....Craig�s Wife (I changed the signature)
I emailed her back and told her that this is the first time I�ve emailed him a very long time. I answered her questions and wished her luck in her decision. But I made it clear that I only think of him as a friend. I also told her about my boyfriend. I never in a million years would do anything to break up a family. I had no idea he had gotten married. I don�t feel bad about contacting him because like I said, I consider him a friend and care about him and his son. I hope she realizes that.
She�s emailed me back. Thanking me for taking the time to respond. She asked if he�d ever come to Michigan to visit and I told her no, which is the truth. The last time I saw Craig was at Fort McCoy when we met. I also told her not to rush any decisions until she�s had a chance to talk to him and seek counseling. I also said that I hope I wasn�t overstepping by suggesting that. I told her that if there is anything that I can do to let me know. I really feel bad for her because she obviously loves him a great deal.
We exchanged emails back and forth most of the afternoon. She seems like a very nice person who�s getting the raw end of the deal. I�ll help her as much as I can for as long as she�ll let me. I�m not mad at Craig for not telling me but I do feel bad for her.
8/30/04
UGH�.So very tired. Friday night I went out with some of the guys I ride with. Got the title for my Yami and came home. I had to stay up and iron my uniform and shine my boots for Duty this weekend. Got up at 5 and spent the day in Concord. Didn�t really find out anything new about my deployment, except that it will happen some time around 1 October. We started getting paperwork ready so we don�t have as much to do at CTD. The boyfriend drove up Saturday afternoon to see me and then I went to his place on Sunday night after drill. I ended up feeling sick Sunday night so it kind of sucked. I am going to stay home this week and not head down again until Thursday night. Unfortunately he�s got duty on Thursday so I�ll end up sleeping alone.
Speaking of the boyfriend, he got to see me cry Saturday night. And not just little tears. We are talking alligator tears. I was shaking, I was crying so hard. I�m not ready for this. It�s been so long since I�ve been this attached to anyone and it scares the shit out of me. We talked a lot Saturday night about the future. He told me that he will be back. He said that in the 3 rotations he�s been over there already he hasn�t been shot at. I told him that I don�t think I could survive losing someone again. Vic�s death almost killed me and my feelings for GK are just about as strong. It hurts so much thinking that I�m not going to see him for a year. I can�t believe how supportive he is. I was feeling sick to my stomach on Sunday and he took me to the store and we got a pregnancy test. He totally shocked me, it was amazing. I didn�t fell weird going to get it with him. I�m glad that I�m not pregnant cause that would just add to our stress.
Craig�s wife is rather mad at him. She forwarded an email from him and then copied me on her email to him after they talked on the phone. I read it this morning when I got to work and I email them both telling them that the situation is becoming uncomfortable for me and I�ve got enough to worry about right now. I told them they need to sit down and talk and if Craig can, he needs to come home on leave and work this out. I sent her a separate email say that if she needs someone to talk to about the �military side� of the situation I�d be more than happy to try and help. I feel so bad about this. If only I hadn�t sent him the email. I had no clue he�d gotten married or that he even had a girlfriend. Oh well, it�s not my fault he lied to her.
I�m going to start going through my stuff and packing or pitching things as needed. I�ll probably move into the spare room starting 1 October and let Alan move back in to the other room until I leave. There is so much to do between now and then as well as spending time with the boyfriend.
