It rained today, the first time in awhile it seems like. I love the rain and the smell after.
I watched 7th Heaven and Everwood season premire's tonight. Both dealth with death's while neither one was a result of a suicide I could totally relate to what those who had lost someone were going throught. Especially on Everwood. Most days I just feel sooooo lost. I'm just going through the motions and waiting till the end of the day when I can go to sleep. Cause when I sleep, I don't think about him or if I do, I don't remember. It seems like I haven't dreamed since right before he died. If I sit and think about it, I can still hear his voice. I can still hear his laugh. Hearing him call me "fruity". Yeah, I'm missing him a lot right now.
Talked to JH last night. He actually called me. I guess we are ok after last week. Each time I talk to him I tell him how sorry I am for lashing out at him. It wasn't his fault, it had nothing to do with him. It's all about me and the fact I need to be on medications to stablize my moods but refuse to take what they prescribe. I couldn't function on the Lexapro and haven't been able to get ahold of my doctor to get something different. I can't afford to go see him right now so I'll just have to suffer and then when I feel myself start slipping...lock myself up in my room and not answer the phone till I am better. Granted that's probably not the best solution but it'll have to do for now.
Anyway, it's bed time.
B
